I’ve been avoiding a post for days now, simply because I don’t know how to write what I want to write without making a big mess of the explanation. Great things are afoot – but not in the global sense. But then, Imam Ali (a) does say that we are each a universe unto ourselves so maybe it is global in an internal sense of the word.
As time passes, you’re supposed to grow and change. Most times, this happens without you having to put much effort into it. Limbs lenghten, muscles become stronger, teeth fall out and grow back. There is blood and breaking and fusing and yet not much pain. But that’s the physical bit.
Emotional growth is a different story. Learning to handle matters of the heart can be painful if you’re forewarned and still, the heart is resilient enough to keep going and keep hoping.
Schools handle the mental growth and while that is painful in its own way, it’s shared with so many others, the grief becomes something you look back on with fond memories 🙂
But then, there’s spiritual growth. And that one is the mother of all sprouting. It’s hard enough having to first step back and assess yourself – to find you have more flaws that you imagined on your worst day and to realise that no one else can fix them for you except yourself. The actual struggle to change the way you think or behave or act is a battle that still baffles me in practice.
I can manage the concept – it’s so easy to think that you can face up to temptation and win. We tend to have a blind confidence in ourselves that is totally misplaced. So much of what we do easily is only because it’s ingrained in our psyche from childhood. Take music for example. I always thought that it was the easiest thing in the world to keep away from it and never could understand why others would say it was so hard to stop listening to it.
For me, it was a case of “It’s haram. Period.” But in actual fact, the reason why I find it so easy not to listen to it is because i’ve never done so all my life. It’s one of those things that was instilled into me from childhood.
But Shaytan has wiley ways, doesn’t he? If he can’t get you in one way, he finds another. And he’s found a mighty weak spot in my character. Suddenly, I’m the one who’s teetering on the brink and no matter how many times I repeat to myself that it’s dangerous to be where I am, my feet won’t budge into the safe-zone.
On the bright side, I haven’t stopped struggling. I could give in, but then where would that get me? And I’m not even sure giving in would ensure success in what it is that is tempting me. The situation is hopeless – the lose-lose kind. Except in one case, I’ll have lost more than just what I want. I’ll have lost the whole Inner Battle.
The other side is harder to join, but the loss in that case would be an imagined one. It hurts a little, but it’s only worldy pain. When I think about it, it’s not even hurt – just a sense of disappoinment. And that i’m an old hand at dealing with!
I’m not making much sense I know, but I’ll explain when I’ve sorted it out some more in my head. Right now, all my faculties are needed on the battlefront.
P.S. If my spelling’s gone to the dogs, it’s only because I’m barely hanging on to sanity. The Grammar Goddess will return when her grey cells do.