So, I’ve been thinking. Contemplating. Re-envisioning. And one of questions that I have found myself repeatedly asking is: Why do I write? I’ve probably addressed that question somewhere in the archives of this blog and I have a feeling I had some theatrical answer like: “Because I have to, because I breathe words, because without writing I would no longer be me!” And at that time, I have no doubt that the answer was honest and true. It may still be.
I know I’ve stopped doing a lot of things I used to consider essential to my description. I considered writing and reading, drawing and talking, craft and art, all a part of what made up who I was. I have done very little of any of that in the past few years. And I can feel something missing, have felt it for a long time. I’m not sure why I stopped to begin with – so many possible reasons come to mind: work, deadlines, schedules, getting married, learning how to cook, getting used to having to share my personal space with another (totally different) human being, traveling, migrating…but I guess none of those would have brought all my hobbies to a standstill if I hadn’t wanted to stop for a bit.
I have this need to re-assess not just the reasons why I did the things I did, but what effect they had in my life. To re-explore who I thought I was as opposed to who I really am and then figure out how to get to who I want to be. Is this what they call mid-life crisis?
But I feel too young to be going through mid-life! I haven’t done anything yet! I’m still just dabbling in this and that, trying to decide what I really want to do when I grow up 😦 I’ve only just got married, am only just learning how to swim and to drive (hopefully!), only just figuring out how to feed others as well as myself, only just…so many things. And Time is already running out?
So I’ve decided to go back to all the things that appealed to me in my ‘childhood’ and try them out again. To see if I can re-kindle the passion that I had for them and if I can’t, to discover what’s changed in me since then. Maybe I’ll find new things I can enjoy, maybe I’ll make some past dreams my present reality. All I know is that I have to do something.
Here’s my current To Re-do List:
I’ve written a book, for God’s Sake! Surely I should be able to write another…right?
I need to write on this blog, re-start a journal, write articles, write stories, write anything…just let the words spew out. Apologies in advance if something untoward or nonsensical makes its way here.
I used to draw like so:
But now my hand trembles at the sight of a pencil. So it’s time to sharpen the nibs and go fulfill some papers’ purpose of life.
Time to make more lace as well. And ignore that fact that lace making makes me sound even older than I actually am…
No I’m not putting reading down here because I don’t value it more than tatting and drawing. I just don’t know where I’m going to get books from (I loathe online reading) right now. But I shall read…somehow. Perhaps you can suggest something I should sink into?
I’ve been doing things routinely for some time. I’m not sure I ever stopped to consciously think about the things I did, although I did sit and stare into the distance and do a lot of musing-type thinking. Perhaps some of that would be good to do now, but also some of the awareness-type thinking where you actually consider the impact of your action and in-action on your own life, on the lives of those close to you and the world as a whole.
Five things are good enough to start with I believe. Who knows, if I’m lucky and determined, I might even get more than two of them done in the next few weeks while I’m on hiatus from ‘normal routine’!
Wish me luck!