Saturated and Stagnant

Bismihi Ta’ala

I’m in a bit of a rut.  And the need to vent is extremely strong so please, feel free to skip this post if you have enough of your own ‘stuff’ to deal with.  I’m simply indulging myself and taking advantage of the fact that I have a place to come and rant.

Time is passing.  No, actually it’s slipping away. I can feel it sliding through my fingers, every second gone before I can even count it.  Of course, it’s been doing this since the day I was born, but I have never felt it as strongly as I do right now.   There are so many things I dreamt of doing, so many things I still want to do and yet, I have neither the will nor the energy to do them.

So I’m watching Time go past and I’m angry at myself for being such a passive observer.  I look back and wonder “What exactly have I achieved?”  Oh, I’ve *done* lots of things.  Tried my hand at this or that, organized an event here and there, written a few words…but so what?  Have I made a change or a difference?  Have I in any way done something that I can carry into the next Life?  Have I packed even bare essentials of any sort?

Reuben Blades has been quoted to have said: “I think we risk becoming the best informed society that has ever died of ignorance.”   I think I’m a prime candidate for such a society.  After all, I have all the information in the world.  There’s translations available today of books that my parents didn’t even know existed, Youtube videos of every lecture in every corner of the world for Muharram, Safar, Ramadhan and other random days, Facebook pages where you can interact with scholars and recitors, all kinds of organizations and courses available in English…what is lacking in terms of quantity.  As Muslims, we truly are the best informed ummah that has ever been.

Then why has there been no change in society for the better? Why are things getting worse and not better?  Why are evils unheard of attacking us within our own communities?  Why?

I’ve been told that I ask too many questions sometimes.  And I know I do, but that’s only because

a) I’m always thirsty for information and

b) I want to figure out what to do with that information.

Right now, I’m doing neither.  I’ve stalled on information seeking, because I sometimes feel saturated with facts and trivia and ‘data’ that is doing nothing inside of me except taking up brain-space.  I don’t know what to do with what I know, what would I possibly do with more of the same?  And that’s what’s making me angry as well.  Why don’t I know?  Me, an adult, someone who has been blessed with an opportunity to study both secular and Islam studies, why am I so stagnant?

Right now, every time I head in one direction, I seem to be hitting a brick wall.  If I seek to escape one routine, I simply end up in another.  There is no forward movement.  I am not travelling through Time, forging ahead and moulding the minutes into a shape that will encase my journey in history in some way.  Instead, I feel like I’m simply standing limp as Time passes over me, around me, through me…without so much as a hiccup.

There is a fear in my heart and soul that should the world end before I do or I before the world, that what lies ahead is not something I want to discover.

Remember me in your prayers as we go through the Days of Fatimiyyah please.

S’laams

bA

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