I feel like a lamb going to slaughter. You know how sometimes you work on something and it comes out so different from what you expected that it takes a life of its own? And you know it’s perfect the way it is, and then because of circumstances out of your control, you have to change it and make it less than that?
People say that’s what real life is all about – having to give in to those above you in authority and accepting that they have that luxury because of their rank. If that’s true, then that version of real stinks. Thoroughly.
So tomorrow I go to face the battle for my opinion, and while I’ve done that before, it’s usually with people I know and am familiar with and still I come out with a bad taste in my mouth. Tomorrow, for the first time, I will have to do it amongst strangers.
It’s so tempting to just give in. Yet, doing so would mean I don’t believe in my perspective and it’s time to be taking a stand on that. I can’t flow with the tide forever just to avoid conflict, can I? I know people who do and I guess being around them makes me feel like a horribly, over-aggressive person which is why sometimes I give in, even when I know I shouldn’t.
One of the things I’m learning the hard way is that it’s okay to be different. Really, it is. Different doesn’t mean ‘better’ or ‘worse’, it’s not an obscenity and it’s not a scarlet brand. It’s simply a word whose true definition that we often forget.
Unfortunately, there’s a problem with realising that, because while I’m learning to accept that others are different from me, they aren’t necessarily having the same epiphany. So really, the problem remains – the only thing that changes is my perspective and how I’m willing to deal with the issue.
What’s worth fighting for? What’s not? I know deep inside that it doesn’t matter what fancy letters you have following your name, it doesn’t matter how famous you become or how much money you earn in this lifetime, it doesn’t matter how well you measure up on the success-scale set by the world, it doesn’t matter if you work with a big-name company or if you own one.
But that doesn’t mean it isn’t tempting to want that when you see others having it. I guess the attention or the awe that comes in people’s eyes when you flash your business card can be a really great high. De-sensitizing yourself to that and realizing that what matters is not what you do, but why you do it and how you do it is a terribly hard lesson to learn.
The people who do the noble things. The ones who don’t ask for appreciation or even acknowledgment, who do things because they answer to a Higher Power and consider themselves accountable on a personal scale. These are the people I want to be like.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t envy those who seem to be in the fast lane. But that in itself is so weird, because I don’t think I’d survive in that lane. I hate confrontations, and I hate dealing with issues like I’m going to have to tomorrow, which is apparently the norm if you want to climb to the top. (What is at the top anyway? Who’s ever been there and said what it’s like?)
When I make something, I don’t really want to know if someone will like it or not, I’m just happy in making it and when it’s done, I don’t really want to put it out on display and have others see it. I simply want to give it away to the first person who likes it, and then move on to making the next thing.
I’m sure I’d make some psychologist out there very happy – there’s plenty of issues to analyse in all this. But again, I don’t much care in overcoming them if they’re not making a huge difference in how happy I am and how I’m leading my life.
So that’s that. Musing is officially over. I’ll come back next month (:P) and tell you how tomorrow goes. I’m sure I’ll survive, I just hope it won’t be with that bad taste on my tongue.