I’ve fallen victim to the oldest trick in the Devil’s toolbox. The yo-yo soul. You know how when Allah (SWT) warns us against our selves in the Qur’an? Where He tells us so clearly, “Hey, I created you, I KNOW your tendencies” and we still think we can work around them. Yeah. That’s what I mean.
I always say that I’ll stick to one frame of mind and be transparent in my intentions and my feelings, but I always seem to get caught up in the opposite. When things go even slightly funny in my life, I’m rushing off to the prayer mat and reciting du’as with intensity and feeling.
And when the storm passes, my soul becomes lax (even though I know that it’s always the calm before the next spiritual-tornado hits). I promise I’ll be different from now and although I do manage to keep reminding myself to be constantly grateful and constantly talking to Him, I can feel the relief letting me off the hook, when it shouldn’t.
My hope lies in the knowledge that He knows how fickle I am and He also knows that I’m working towards changing that – I guess I just wish I’d succeed a little faster. I feel so hypocritical sometimes when I come crawling back and begging for help, and I was so self-possessed just a little while before that.
What would I do if God wasn’t so Kind, so Merciful, so Accepting of all my flaws? I think Imam al-Sajjad (a) said it more perfectly than anyone could when he stated in his du’as, “O Allah, deal with me not as I deserve to be dealt with, but as it befits You to deal with me.”
Thank God for Himself.