I made my decision – one of them. It wasn’t as hard as I had expected it to be or as hard as the one that still waits. I think my concern was not so much what to decide as how my decision would effect others, and I just had to sort out my priorities. It’s always important to think of others, but never at the risk of doing serious harm to yourself.
Even as I was relieved by the easing of its burden, it seemed out-of-place with everything that is going on around us. After watching the news and seeing the aftermath of the attack at Qana, I couldn’t help feeling selfish and pathetic.
How can I be concerned with things like my book contract and where I’m going in my material life when innocent people – so many children! – are being maimed and dying? I recite du’as and I pray for them. I feel pain and anger. Yet, that is nothing in comparison to what they are feeling.
Am I strong enough to bear what they are going through should I need to? Would I be able to suffer like that and never once waver from my faith? I hope so, I say so, but until I actually prove my faith through the tests God gives me, I can’t be sure, can I?
My greatest turmoil right now arises from something so simple compared to what is going on in Lebanon and Palestine and every other country that is suffering – Muslim or not.
How do people live out their lives? Why do the things that look so ordinary and normal from their perspective seem so scary and momentous from mine? Am I making mountains out of molehills? Am I over analyzing life? Or do just have a problem with handling emotional issues that I haven’t realised yet?
One thing is for sure, I haven’t heard of anyone experiencing these things that I am. I can’t be the only one having to deal with this, but people seem to be silent about it. If you’re out there and can understand what I’m getting at – say something!