Shallowed Depths

Well, we attempted to have a practice today. Half the actors didn’t turn up and the rest came late. Which might have been Life’s way of settling the score for me being late last week. Except that I took half and hour while the rest of them varied from an hour to three! Simple stuff, but it’s amazing how much you can learn from such an ordinary incident.

I progressed from worry that no one would turn up to being highly irritated when they did and didn’t seem to realise how late they were, to a slight nervousness when I discovered that we still don’t have enough people to fill in all the parts and no one to help with backstage and props, to a general lack of concern about how things would be settled in a month from now.

If this had happened to me a few years ago, I know I would have freaked out from the very first minute. I’d have sulked and probably projected my irritation at everyone through my expressions and words. Or I’d have done it once I got back home. I guess age and good friends do help to temper one’s character.

SK has been a gem that way. And it’s ironic that I’m saying to everyone I meet and now announcing it to the world, and I haven’t told her yet. If I did, she’d brush it off and not take me seriously anyway. I should get her to come and read this blog so she’ll believe me! (y’hear that, S?)

We were talking today about life and how things turn out. How often do you think the words: “Things didn’t turn out as I expected they would” have been repeated over the ages by different people? I think perhaps it’s the circle of friends I move around with too. FH mentioned the same thing to me and now so did SK. It’s like an echo that reverberates between the three of us.

I don’t know how it figures in their lives, but I do know that for me, Now is a time when I feel slightly lost chronologically-speaking and very, very lost spiritually speaking – I’m not supposed to be announcing that to all and sundry, am I? I did think a lot about it before deciding to discuss it on this blog. At first, I was afraid that it would make people think I had failed in some way as a Muslim. That I’m putting down Islam as not being satisfactory enough for my spirit.

Whether you’re Muslim or not, get one thing straight. I have NO doubts about my beliefs, it’s the strength of my personal faith that I am worried about. That I am still lacking and falling so far behind what is expected of me. I’m not saying I can’t be better or that I won’t. Just that I seem to be stagnating and sometimes even regressing. I’ve lost something within myself.

Perhaps the journey to re-discovering it is what my life is meant to be about. Or maybe that’s what will prepare me for what the future holds for me.

People can get so condescending when it comes to matters of faith, you know? If you express the slightest weakness or shakiness, they’re ready to jump in with “Alhamdulillah, I’ve NEVER felt like that!” or “How sad!” or even “Hey, come over to my faith and I guarantee you won’t feel like that!”

I think this process of having doubts and clearing them up is the most natural thing in the world. The only issue that bothers me is that it’s come a little late in my life. I’m not a revert, I’m a born Muslim. Ideally, I should have been allowed to explore and deal with these issues when I needed to most – while I was still a teen or in my early twenties. Instead, the community I’m in seems to penalize those who do ask.

I’m just plain lucky to be born in the family I am, to be living in the environment I am and to have the social circle I do. Otherwise, my doubts could have taken me in either direction – towards or away – from Allah (SWT). I guess that’s one more thing in the endless list to thank Him for. We can’t even guide ourselves without being helped by Him in every way.

The complex framework of love, dependence, mercy and unconditional blessing that underlies every moment of our existence is mind boggling. I know this, and yet I sometimes catch myself being as heedless as the ones who don’t know this.

S’laams
Bint Ali

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4 thoughts on “Shallowed Depths

  1. Re: salaams

    Ahsant for dropping by. I’m glad you can find stuff here to relate to, it gives me consolation that I’m not alone too! 🙂

    Come by whenever you can and leave a comment, we might discover some of the secrets of Life together, insha’Allah.

    S’laams
    Bint Ali

  2. salaams

    s/a sister…a friend of mine passed this site on to me, and i am very glad that she did. Your experiences are inspiring and interesting. I’m glad that theres someone i can relate to and see how they dealt with their experiences. Keep up the good work!
    w/s

  3. Re: Lovely, Inspiring journals

    a/s

    Thanks for dropping by! I look forward to hearing what you think about my rambles and maybe contributing some of your own too.

    Oh, and don’t forget to bring along some friends 🙂

    S’laams
    Bint Ali

  4. Lovely, Inspiring journals

    s/a sister,
    your journals are very inspiring mashall..!! i try and visit this blog daily if i can, i learn a lot from ur experiences and inshalla_ it will help me in my future. May Alla_ help us in what we do for His sake and give us success in achieving all our goals! Amen.
    N i hope that ur book is published and that ur encouraged to write more wonderful ones…
    fi-amanillah,

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